So not much has been going on in my body. My boobs MIGHT hurt, I'm not really sure. I know that sounds weird but I slept in a sports bra last night and that may have been the problem. So, it's hard to say.
Stomach felt off today, but that's 100% because I ate like a garbage disposal yesterday. Too much food, too much of food that I don't need to be eating.
Period comes a week from tomorrow. So, I could test mid-week I guess. My hopes are not high, but I do have some hope there.
Today is Wednesday and it's raining out, which means my work day is non-existent! Sounds like I have a day off! But honestly I would rather be training clients on the beach, it's so much fun. We'll see if the sun comes out later and then I might be able to squeeze in a few workouts.
Anyway, today is 4 days since ovulating. And since I have nothing big to do today, I'm of course analyzing every single thing that my body is feeling, you know, just like a normal woman who is trying to become pregnant.
I feel fine, but I have noticed some mild cramping that started yesterday and has continued to most of today so far. I'm actually really hungry, but that's ACTUALLY normal, no matter what my body is doing, unfortunately. BUT it's 11:56am, which means I get lunch in 4 minutes. It's funny how I act like I haven't been snacking all day and hit up wayyy too many Costco sample stations.
I never thought, NEVER, that I would be one of those mommy bloggers. But now I get it!
There are a bagillion zillion thoughts going through my head about my future and getting pregnant and I can't really be sharing all of this with too many friends. Yes, I tell Blake most things about how I feel and my internal struggles, but I literally had to teach him what a uterus was, like 2 weeks ago. So, I'm gettin' no constructive feedback from him. He just thinks I'm crazy and over-analyzing everything all the time, and then I remind him that I am a WOMAN. DUH, what did you think you were signing up for?!
I also tell my mom things about trying to conceive, but she really just tells me to "relax". I need answers! She hasn't been through this before, since it was super easy for her to get pregnant and her body was normal.
I have plenty of close friends, but I really only feel comfortable talking to my good friend Meghan about it. We are trying to get pregnant at the same time since she and I are besties AND our husbands are even more besties than we are. They will be living down the street from us and it would be amazing to have kids the same age!
One "problem" I guess you could call it, is that she got pregnant already! It's obviously not a problem at all, I almost cried when she told me because I was that excited! I've told her all the details about everything that's going on with my doctors appointments and such, and she's told me everything about her pregnancy so far. She's about 7 weeks right now and I hope to be right there with her soon!
So yes, I have started a blog about starting a family, but it's because I would love to meet lots of people who have been through the same thing. People who want to listen, who want to help.
So anyway, when I left off, I was at the doctor and he was telling me that my lining was too thin. BUT that there was still a chance I could get pregnant, so we should still try. After all, I proved to him that the Clomid did work to make me ovulate, and now I just have to get that darn egg to stick.
So that night and the next night we did the deed, so that should cover us. I am hoping SO HARD that I get pregnant, but I still have so many questions. If anyone is reading this yet, maybe you can help ease my mind (or smack some sense into me) about my whole situation. I would love advice!
My questions that remain:
-My lining was 2.2 a day or so before ovulating, Does that mean it will be thicker for implantation in 5-10 days?
-But will that be thick enough?!
-If the chances were so, so low of getting pregnant, why wouldn't he cancel this Clomid cycle?
-Should I be scared of miscarriage because he didn't cancel it?
-How will injectable medication be better than Clomid? Does it even help with a thin lining?
-What can I do to thicken my lining naturally?
-Should I get a new doctor? (kind of kidding but like, should I?!)
So today is Tuesday, meaning that it's been about 3 full days (but maybe more) since ovulating.
I'm keeping my spirits high, and my running miles low (which I'm still not happy about)!
So, in February, I didn't get pregnant. I didn't even ovulate. I felt SO stupid for being so excited and actually thinking I was pregnant for a few weeks.
I called my doctor and she quickly referred me to a specialist who was going to "induce" my period. My first thought was, "does this mean I can run as much as I want to again and I'll still get a period because I'll be on drugs!?"
I know that's the worst way of thinking, and it's self-centered. It's just so hard for me because I love running, it really is like therapy for me!
I went in for my first appointment with this new doctor. He was about a 70 year old man with certificates and degrees all over his office walls. He was very nice and was patient with me and my questions. He told me that he was going to put me on a pill called Clomid, which was going to make me ovulate. He told me that he thinks this will work for me, and that my chances of getting pregnant this month are really good!
I was SO happy! I left with a prescription in my hand and a smile on my face.
I was instructed to take progesterone pills for 5 days to induce my period. Once I got my period, I would have to go back to the doctor and have an ultrasound to make sure that everything was looking normal.
The next morning after that appointment, I got my period. I was in SHOCK. What are the chances? I felt like a fraud...telling them my period was gone yet again. I called them up, and they told me this was a good thing! I wouldn't have to take those progesterone pills, and after my ultrasound that I was scheduled to have the very next morning, I would be able to start the Clomid pills even sooner. Being the least impatient person on the planet, I was SO excited to get on with this process!
So, the next morning, I went in for that ultrasound, which I was NOT prepared for. It was a vaginal ultrasound which is very different. The tech whipped out this...long...device and asked me to open wide! I had no idea what was going on and thought that I only needed to pull my shirt up for my stomach to be showing!
I yelled, "wait!! I have a tampon in!"
She was actually a little mad me at (!?!) and she had me go and take it out. I literally had no clue about what was going on, and it surely was not my fault!
So once the ultrasound was over, I went over the results with my doctor. He said I actually ovulated about 2 weeks ago (I was in Vegas raging my face off with my sister, oops). I was so sad that I had missed it and felt like I was totally irresponsible! The good news was that everything looked good, so Clomid was good to go!
After some quick bloodwork, the doctor told me he would call me this afternoon to confirm that the blood tests were good before starting the Clomid.
I was so happy! Clomid was going to save me and be my new best friend!
I went to the gym and burned off some energy while I waited for his call. I looked and had a voicemail from him. I listened to it.
He said my levels of FSH and LH were extremely low, and I have barely any Estrogen. He told me that it is very highly unlikely that I will ovulate with Clomid.
All hope was lost at that point and I had a depressing day on the couch. But I was determined to ovulate, dammit! My plan was to take it REALLY easy over the next week, while taking the Clomid. I wasn't going to work out, I wasn't going to watch what I ate, I was just going to live life. The timing was perfect because we left the next day for a trip up the California coast, stopping in Santa Barbara, Monterey, San Francisco, and Napa.
And boy did we live-it-up!
I took my Clomid pill each night, and spent the night just sweating away and waking up in a puddle of sweat, while Blake was cozy and snuggled under the covers. One side effect of the Clomid is hot flashes. Oooooooh goody!
Other than that, I felt normal, and just had a pep talk with my ovaries every couple hours.
The day we got home, I started taking the Estrodile pills and continued that for the next 4 days. Still sweating, still in puddles.
So I went in for my follow up ultrasound on Friday. They would be able to tell if I was going to ovulate, and even though I was expecting negative news since it was "very highly unlikely" to work.
I had the ultrasound done, and even though this time I knew what it actually was, the tech was still a little miffed that I hadn't had breakfast or emptied my bladder 100%. Again, things that no one told me!
After the ultrasound, I waited FOR-EV-ER in a tiny room for my doctor. Seriously, 40 mins later, he came in. I don't remember what he said exactly, but he told me I was going to ovulate! HA! I TOLD YOU I COULD DO IT!!!! High five, ovaries, way to be. He said I would ovulate that night or in the morning, but he also broke the news that my uterine lining was very thin (I saw on his notes that it was a 2.2, I think), and there is a low chance that I would get pregnant. I wanted to cry.
I asked him how to fix this problem, and he said the only thing to do would be for me to take injectable medication after this Clomid cycle. He said the only other way to make it thicker is to "gain 50 lbs and become a couch potato."
This really upset me. I am very, very aware that there are plenty of people who are worse off than I am with problems when trying to conceive. I know that it's only been a couple months that we've been trying, and that so many people have been trying for YEARS. I think what upsets me so much about this whole situation is that I did this to myself. If I hadn't pushed myself so hard in the last 5 years, I could have a baby right now. A lot of things could have happened, good or bad, if I never took up running. It just hurts that I always had a perfect cycle for years, and now I've just screwed my body up so badly. Will it ever get better? He told me Clomid will work for me, and then he said it's very highly unlikely. Now he's saying injectables will work. What now?
I'm not sure how I feel about injecting myself every day with hormones, and also paying $1000 for it. I hate taking drugs, and I try to be as natural as I can be. I even was Vegan for a while before trying to get my period back!
I've been doing a little research into ways to get my body back to normal without all of these meds. I guess we will see what happens this month, and if unsuccessful, I may need to rethink everything.
Okay so, life plan: get pregnant now, buy house in June, move in July. Boom, boom boom.
Growing up, I thought this would be so easy, and, some of it has been. Blake and I are actually really good at saving money and investing in our future together. So, when it came time to actually buy a house, we were ready (and are still working on the actual "buying" part).
But what about getting pregnant? I never really worried about it. I was always healthy, got plenty of exercise, was never overweight, learned to eat healthy, never did drugs, and always had a perfect menstrual cycle. I'm talking perfect. Not to mention my mom got pregnant in the first month of trying and never had a miscarriage.
Got my first period in 8th grade, and my cycle was 28 days, every darn time. I never had any issues. Had never gotten pregnant in college or anything either.
I went on the pill "LoEstrin" during my senior year of college since I had a boyfriend. The pill basically took away my period, which it was pretty much supposed to do.
After I graduated, I ended up getting a Paragard IUD instead, since the hormones in the pill weren't safe with my migraines that I would get every month. At the same time as I was about to get this IUD, I had taken up running.
I had gained a few pounds from a migraine medication I was on, and hated how bloated it made me feel. So, I started to run. Soon enough, I was able to run 5 miles, and I did it every day. Some days I ran longer, and I signed up for a half marathon with one of my friends.
The pounds were soon falling off and everyone was noticing. I loved how I looked, and I had never looked or felt this good...ever.
Another thing that I noticed right away, was that I missed my period. I was terrified I was pregnant, but after several tests revealed that I was not, I figured it was just because of the long endurance runs that I was doing.
I even signed up for a marathon and several more half marathons. I would run 50 miles a week, even in the freezing cold 18 degree Boston weather. Everyone was commenting on my weight loss. None of my clothes fit me, and I loved it. I was consuming around 1200 calories a day, and after a long afternoon of being starving at work, I would run 8 miles on an empty growling stomach before dinner. When dinner came, I would eat a sweet potato and veggies.
That all started 5 years ago. I continued to live that way for about 3 years. The lowest weight I saw on the scale was 124 lbs, which doesn't seem scary, but it is to someone like me. I'm 5'6, and while 124 is still in a normal weight range, I looked like I was much less than that, not to mention that I had been an awesome athlete at a stable 140lbs through out high school. I was always medium sized, and I never even cared about that growing up. I was always sporty.
Around my wedding, I was still at 130ish lbs, and liked how I looked. During the honeymoon I didn't work out at all and just relaxed by the pool with cocktail in hand. When I got home from our honeymoon, I got my period. I was devastated. This must mean that I'm getting fat! I got back to running and dropped a few more lbs, no period in sight.
Blake was worried about me, he wondered how I was ever going to get pregnant if I never got a period. Once we moved to San Diego, I agreed to get a doctor and find out if anything was wrong, or if my running really was the culprit.
I went through months of tests, and I even had an MRI. My Dr. put me on antidepressants for a while! I felt like I was being experimented on. At the end of it all, she determined that most of my levels were relatively normal, and they would be 100% if I stopped running. There seemed to be nothing actually wrong with me, so when the time comes to get pregnant, I would just have to stop the long distances.
Well, I stopped. I stopped in the summer of 2016, mostly because it was too hot out to run. I took up weight lifting and high intensity training instead. Still, no period. I gained a little weight and was up to 137lbs, still no period. I made myself gain just a bit more, and at 140, BOOM, I finally got a period!
This was in December 2016. I was SO happy, and I got it again in January! The cycle was about 40 days long, but I didn't care, I could tell my body was getting back on track.
I had another appointment with my doctor, who was so excited for me, and she removed my IUD as I had asked her to.
Was it time?! Was it time to actually, maybe get pregnant?! Things seemed to be lining up perfectly and I knew it was going to all go according to my plan. Blake and I started trying and I could have sworn I was pregnant in that first month. I felt off, and I even had some symptoms. My period did not come (!!), but 89237589257924 tests revealed that I was not pregnant. I could tell this was going to get complicated. And honestly, complicated is what it still is.
So, this blog is called "On To The Next". I named it that because it seems like Blake and I are constantly doing things and then doing something new soon after.
Sometimes it's weekend trips..."Well, done with that hiking trail, on to the next!"
Other times it's with a job..."Hated that career, on to the next!"
More often than not, it's a full season of some show on Netflix..."Episode 114 of Friends...on to the next!"
More often than not, it seems like things are constantly changing. I've always wanted the life I had growing up that seemed so set. Every Saturday morning my dad would bring me and my sisters to the dump (I know, it's weird how excited we were for this) and then to Dunkin' Donuts to get a treat after. Sundays were ALWAYS pizza dinners that my mom would make, and then bath time before bed. We always had a routine. And I loved that.
Since graduating from college 6 years ago, I've always struggled with a routine. Everything seemed to be all over the place; going out with friends on this night, trying to make it to the gym on that night, working late, and then a snow storm to really make things interesting. Weekends were filled with bars and Redsox games, city sleek restaurants and cocktails, but mostly just trying to look and act grown up.
Honestly, I had it all; an apartment smack dab in the middle of Boston, a job in the travel industry that paid very well, engaged to the love of my life, and friends and family nearby. Sounds like a routine has to fit in there somewhere right? Not really. Nothing that made me truly happy where I was.
As soon as I got comfortable, I had to change it up. Why don't I just throw a wrench in literally everything and completely change my life. Ah yes! How about I quit my job, start doing something I actually like, move across the country away from everyone we know, AND force Blake to do it with me?!
Why can't I just be comfortable? Why can't I just be happy in my life and have a routine?
So, that's what we did. We moved our lives 3,000 miles away to San Diego and I became a personal trainer. We certainly did that 180 degree life change that I was craving.
Fast forward being in this amazing SoCal city for a year and a half and guess what, I'm getting too comfortable. I knew this was coming. In fact, it kind of already had hit me in November 2016, when I realized that I was bored in my job and I wanted out, and fast. I became an independent trainer, and have been doing that for almost 4 months.
But that REAL itch was to change it up even more. Again, why can't I just be happy where I am?! I fight with myself because I don't want to settle. So with that justification, I welcome the impulsive changes that I make so often.
Okay, so I'm bored because I have too much time on my hands = let's move back East, buy a house, and I'll get pregnant...like, now.
As soon as the idea is in my brain, it's set, people. So, come July, we'll be roadtrippin' back East, leaving San Diego behind. Come May, we will be closing on our first house, which actually is the house that Blake grew up in. And come, now (?) I will get pregnant. It all seems extreme, I know. But it's just me, again, having that idea that I can finally be happy and comfortable somewhere, somehow.
Hopefully these adult changes will come easy. Hopefully we can get a mortgage with no problem, and hopefully leaving San Diego won't be the wrong decision. And hopefully getting pregnant will happen quick so everything will be perfect.
That's the thing. In a child's world, everything is almost perfect, because they don't know anything about the world (I'm really only talking about my childhood self). As an adult, you learn how screwed up the world is, how things actually work, and that not everything can possibly go according to plan.
I am 28 years old and I live in San Diego, CA with my husband, Blake.
Blake and I have been together for almost 7 years, and after meeting in college in New Hampshire and spending 4 years in Boston together, we tied the knot on July 18th, 2015.
Blake is my favorite person in the entire world and I am so lucky that I found him (and that he finally agreed to date me!).
I'm the kind of person who needs to plan everything and always have a schedule, even if it is five years in advance. I was always envisioning my life in the future and wanted specific things. Not everything was always clear, but even at the age of 5, I always wanted to be older! I wanted to lose my first tooth and play soccer, but I wasn't old enough. When I was 12, I just wanted to get my period or even just get my ears pierced! But I still wasn't old enough. And when I was in college and falling in love with Blake, all I wanted was to be a bride, buy a house, and have babies. BUT, I wasn't really old enough. In reality, it would be totally fine to do any of those things at a younger age, but I guess I just didn't feel like an adult.
I've never felt like marriage, being a home owner, and having kids was anything I was ready for, I still felt like I needed to be older.
Well, here I am now, at 28 years old, and I'm finally old enough to do anything I WANT! I sound crazy, and I have no idea why I have always thought this way. It's probably because I care way too much about what people think. I have, for my whole life. It's not like, debilitating, or ruining my life, at all. It's just always there in my brain. I wish it wasn't!
Even when starting this blog, I was hoping no one I knew would find it. Which is so ridiculous!
Now that I'm 28, I'm finally feeling ready to do many (scary) things. And that's why I'm starting this blog; to write down everything that I'm doing as a "new" adult, and hopefully get some help and feedback from anyone who decides to read this. Because, so far my "adult" life has been so charmed, as my dad likes to call it. It honestly hasn't been that hard. It's been an exciting adventure, and I know it will continue. But, with a lot happening this year, it's going to be more difficult than ever, and I hope it's not too much to handle.